Religion and Violence in the Family

mr. sc. Ela Vilupek

Available in Croatian at http://www.carelinks.net/languages/croat/abusehr.htm

Throughout the world, there is an increasing number of public speeches about violence in the family.  Even in our country, there are many books, articles and seminars about this topic.  Yet, there is nothing to be found about religiosity and violence in the family.  Why?  Religious leaders, believers and others like to present marriage, parenthood and family life in the home as something holy and perfect, in harmony, full of love and peace.  They reject any idea that something less than this would exist in their religion.  There might be rumors of violence and abuse in other religions, but not in theirs.   If there were cases of violence and abuse, religious leaders minimalized them, did nothing to protect the children and women from their abusers. 

It must be recognized that if progress will be achieved in this area, we must admit that in every community there are abusive people.  These people are a part of each society and religious group.  It is a necessity that we find a way to deal with   this issue. (Cashman, H., 1993., p. 28).

Through research on the international level, including literature, courses, discussions, and forums, I have found that many  believers are hiding incidents of violence in the family.  While in the church they put on a mask of holiness, the abusers are tyrants in their own living rooms.

Let us try to discover how  religious leaders and believers explain violence in the family using Biblical passages to justify their hypocrisy. (Heggen, C.H., 1996., p.15)

First, they say God ruled man would be dominant and woman would be submissive.  In many religions, this teaching that women must be submissive to men as part of God’s plan is a basic part of society.  “This is the book of the children of Adam and of their children’s children. When God made man, He made him in the likeness of God. He made them male and female, and brought good to them.” /Genesis 2,1-2/. Many believers interpret the second chapter of Genesis to say that the dominance of man is justified because he was created first.  According to this explanation, it is natural that women must be submissive to men because men have authority over women and children.  A society that is organized under this principal is patriarchal.  However, the Bible gives us a picture in Genesis of creation where God created male and female, giving them equal responsibility and authority over creation.  Both of them were created in the image of God and were the apex of God’s creation.

Very often Genesis 5:1-2 is used to justify a patriarchal attitude, viewing men as superior and women as inferior.  Representatives of the patriarchal attitude in the family teach that men have the right to rule and control women and children.  In addition, they can use force to discipline them.  Because of this, many of them use violence as a means of control and authority without thought of the consequences.  Many abused children have asked their fathers why they were abused, and the answer has been given that as the head of the family the father must be obeyed.  (Heggen, C.H., 1996., p.16-17).

Case Study:  In one church, a woman confided in a priest that she was being physically abused at home.  The priest advised her to be submissive to her husband and remain faithful to him in every way despite his actions.  The priest emphasized that she would never be happy until she became obedient in her submissiveness.  Her husband believed that his actions were right, thinking that her submissiveness was necessary so that she could enter into heaven and avoid eternal punishment.  In this manner, many religious women believe that violence in the family is not wrong and that this type of relationship between genders is right and based upon Holy Scripture.

If we want to stop abuse and violence in the family, there is a need to break the tradition of patriarchalism in society.  We must stop emphasizing dominant/submissive relationships in marriages.  An authoritarian relationship in marriage is a result of human failure and sin; it is not a part of God’s plan.  Jesus Christ embodied a different type of relationship with man, changing it into having a more mature and revolutionary equality between others in Christ, as summarized in Galatians 3:28. “God does not see you as a Jew or as s Greek. He does not see you as a person sold to work or as a person free to work. He does not see you as a man or as a woman. You are all one in Christ.” (Heggen, C.H., 1996., p.18).

The second argument to justify violence in the family is the belief that women are morally weaker and cannot rely upon their own judgment.  One Christian woman admitted that her husband abused their daughters and she did not react.  In an effort to explain her lack of reaction to this knowledge, she said that her husband had not done anything wrong.  Without thinking, she had accepted her husband’s judgment as her own because she trusted him more than she trusted her own wisdom.  This reliance upon the husband’s moral judgment is a common problem.  One theory even goes so far as to say, “Women are very often known to be spiritually deviant because they think that God gave a commandment to them not to confront men’s authority because men protect them from their own false knowledge.”  (Hanford, E.R., 1972., p. 17).

Abused children often describe their mothers as weak and passive.  They see their mother as unable to make everyday decisions such as purchases, cooking and cleaning the apartment.  Additionally, some abused children will not talk about their father’s abuse because they do not want to frustrate their mothers, who do not have the energy to confront the violence.  Many mothers are emotionally exhausted, depressed, and dependent upon their husbands.  They believe that there is nothing they can do to keep their husbands from abusing their children.  Their relationship with their husbands simply make them more vulnerable, helpless, weak, and unstable.  Then the husbands are allowed to do as they want for the women do not have the energy resist or stop the abusive behavior towards their children. (Hanford, E.R., 1972., p. 28).

Any religious teaching that proclaims that women are morally weaker than men, unable to rely upon their own judgment, is heresy that is tragic and extremely dangerous for women and their children.  (Bilezikian, G., 1990., p.211).

The third argument to justify violence in families is the belief that suffering is a Christian virtue and because of this, women are created to be victims.  Jesus Christ suffered and was crucified on the cross, dying a martyr’s death.  Because of this, suffering, torture and enduring afflictions became virtues in Christianity.  It is known that women have a higher pain tolerance and are able to endure suffering and torture longer than men are able.  In the environment where suffering is glorified, women see their abuse as their own cross to bear, given to them so that they may identify with Christ as in the Stations of the Cross. 

To many who are abused, it is recommended that they be patient in their suffering because they are taking part in Christ’s suffering.  In this way, they will be able to redeem their own souls.  Yet, this suffering is not chosen by the women.  This suffering is an intrusion upon them.  These women who suffer are emotionally broken victims, believing that God has permitted the cruelty to render them helpless, hopeless and weak.  The woman who is abused fears to resist suffering because she sees this as her lot in life.

Those who are abused need to be led, step by step, to the point where they can be convinced that God wants to heal their pain.  There is no need to spiritualize or glorify the suffering.  Christ’s suffering and martyr death must be shown in another light.  It must be explained to those who are abused that Christ brought our sufferings upon himself on the cross and that he sympathizes with us.  He conquered death and resurrected in glory, offering us the possibility to have fullness and shalom (or peace) in life. (Heggen, C.H., 1996., p. 21-22).

Fourth is the argument that Christians must forgive and reconcile with those who have sinned against them.  One of the most difficult and complicated issues for victims of violence in a family is how to forgive and reconcile with one’s abuser.  Christians easily give advice, such as “you must forgive your abuser and forget everything.”  Many abused children and women were forced to forgive as soon as possible.  Those who did not forgive were judged, rejected, and ashamed by their religious community and other church members.  One girl could not forgive her father who had abused her sexually, yet her priest reprimanded her for being full of bitterness.  In addition, the priest was angry that she remembered what had happened for it was her duty to forgive and forget the past.  (Heggen, C.H., 1996., p. 24).

If the abusers of children and women attend the same church, then the victims of abuse are pressured to quickly forget and reconcile with their abusers.  Religious groups are uncomfortable with the fact that this is a problem within their communities and do not understand why victims are unable to forgive as quickly as expected.  They fail to realize that easy and quick forgiveness without sincere repentance and remorse of the abuser is not the path to emotional and spiritual healing for either the victim or the abuser.

One girl was abused by her father and each time was the same – he committed his sin, repented, and asked for forgiveness.  When she was finally brave enough to inform her mother about his actions, her father warned her that she was showing signs of unforgiveness and that she would burn in hell because of it.  He convinced her that God would judge her for her unforgiveness.  This led the young girl to be ashamed, trapped, and emotionally broken for many years.

Another girl was abused by her grandfather; and because of this abuse, her behavior became dysfunctional.  She was then directed to counseling in order to heal her emotional and spiritual wounds.  Very soon her grandfather suffered a stroke and was on his death bed.  He had never admitted his abusive behavior nor asked for forgiveness.  Yet her family tried to convince the young woman to forgive her grandfather before he died in order that God might forgive the grandfather as well.  Furthermore, they said that if she could not forgive him and he died, God would also never forgive her.  (Heggen, C.H., 1996., p. 25).

There are many theories and attitudes about the issues of forgiveness and reconciliation.  Psychologists observe that a person cannot achieve emotional and spiritual healing until they are ready to go through the painful and long-term process of forgiveness.  Yet, easy, quick and forced forgiveness is simply a type of manipulation with victims of abuse, especially when coerced in front of an abuser who shows a repentant face.  However, in most cases, abusers do not stop their sinful and evil actions.  This type of forgiveness degrades the victim, making their feelings worthless and deeply damaging their dignity and personality.  In the end, a victim of abuse can become more depressed, hurt and vulnerable because their power in the reconciliation and forgiveness process was stolen, forced, and religiously manipulated.  For it to be a healthy exchange, it must be given voluntarily, sincerely, and self-consciously.

Mental peace is the result of self-liberation for those who have caused pain to women and children.  It can be achieved if the victim works out his/her own feelings of sadness and rage.  Then, when they stop looking at themselves in a negative manner, they are able to achieve self-confidence and self-awareness.  Only then will he/she become an emotionally healthy and spiritually stable person. (Forward, S., 2002., p. 114-117).

Each religious teaching which brings children and women into suspicion that they are not as precious or worthy as a man causes mistrust in their abilities and makes them more vulnerable, helpless, and hopeless in the face of violence and abuse – even in the most intimate relationship in the family.  Such teaching is heresy as an incorrect interpretation of Jesus’ teaching. (Heggen, C.H., 1996., p.27).

Chrisitan approach to solving domestic violence

Victims of violence in Christian families frequently have had to live with a deep contradiction.  In one day, they may experience an intense spirituality with morning devotions and then later in that same day, they experience the humiliation of domestic violence with those same members of the family who were gathered for devotions.  If asked about domestic violence in Christian families, many theologians will discuss the marital covenant, obligations, unselfish love and priority to love God.  However, we actually need to research Jesus’ attitude and the context and conditions to whom some portions of the Bible are written, especially the passages regarding Jesus’ teaching about domestic violence and its cultural background.

Violence has occurred in all social conditions, cultures, and subcultures.  Once it becomes public, it stops being solely a part of the family. (Beck, J., 1996., p. 216-218).

It must be emphasized in cases of domestic violence and marriage, there is no equality in the roles of family members.  Their roles are dysfunctional.  The relationships are broken between the marital partners and their children.  Women who are brave, who ask for help from priests are very often disappointed.  They have made themselves vulnerable and feel helpless in the hands of their abusers.  Unfortunately in church circles, many people consider the basic responsibility for a woman is to accept her duties to forgive and forget.  The Church recommends to her that she avoid being involved in conflicts.  The Church gives advice based solely on religious truths and avoids intervening on behalf of the woman.

There are two perspectives about family life that are accepted by the Church.  The first is a traditional perspective, explaining that the husband is the head of the family emphasizing the differences between husband and wife in responsibilities, power, authority and a combination of these facts.  Representatives of the second perspective give explanation which is based on the equality of genders, but in marriage, they believe that the husband has a higher authority. They say, “There is nothing bad in traditional marriage, but the big mistake is when the husband uses violence to keep his position in the marriage.” The author of this statement tries to emphasize that a Biblical approach to marriage can be misused and traditionalists have no need to re-examine their standards and thoughts about power.  In most cases, this power tends to only be good for one side of the marriage. (Pagelow, M. D., & Johnson, P.,1988., p. 88).   

If clergy would preach and support the building of healthy families, then the family would be based entirely upon the equality of marital partners in Christ.  They would respect and love each other loyally, admit their mistakes to one another, forgive on a daily basis, and not misuse their authority with control or force.

Within healthy communication between family members, choices are respected, thoughts and feelings are expressed freely, and members can be reliable in an indirect way without pretending or putting on masks.  At the same time, family members will be ready to confess their mistakes, conflicts, problems, tensions and concerns, which are a natural part of every day family life.  However, if one member of the family is abusive, other members will then react in inappropriate ways to each other.  Instead of living in harmony and peace, the atmosphere of the family will exhibit increasing tension.  Instead of apologizing, members of the family will accuse one another and deflect responsibility.  This will, ultimately, lead to tension, unfriendliness and hostility within the family structure. . (Balswik, J. O., & Balswick, J.K., 1989., p. 197).

 « Then I saw all the bad powers that were ruling under the sun. I saw the tears of the people who were suffering under theese povers, with no one to confort them. « /Ecclesiastes 4,1/.

«Husband,  love your wives. You must love them as Christ loved the church.» /Ephesians 5,25/

 «As much as you can, live in peace  with all men.» /Romans 12,18/

Literature:

1.      Balswik, J. O., & Balswick, J.K. (1989)The family: A Christian perspective on the contemporary home. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.

2.      Beck, J., R. (1996) Theology for the Healthy Family:  in  Women Abuse and the Bible, Michigan: Baker Books.

3.      Bible,  (1993) New Life Version: A Devision of Scripture Press Publications Inc. USA: Victor Books.

4.      Bilezikian, G. (1990) Beyond sex roles: What the Bible says about  women's place in church and family. Gran Rapids, MI: Baker Books.

5.      Cashman, H. (1993) Christianity and child sexual abuse: Great Britain, Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge.

6.      Dobson, James. (1981) The Strong Willed Child. Wheaton, Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers. 

7.      Forward, S. (2002) Otrovni roditelji: prevladavanje njihovog bolnog nasljedstva i spašavanje vlastitog života, Zagreb: BIOS.

8.      Hanford, E.R. (1972) Me? Obey him? Murfressboro, TN: Sword of the Lord.

9.      Heggen, C.H. (1996) Religious Beliefs and Abuse in: Women, Abuse and the Bible, Michigan, USA:Baker Books.

10.  Hrupelj, J., D., Miljković, D., Armano, L., G. (2000) Lijepo je biti roditelj: priručnik za roditelje i djecu, Zagreb:  Creativa d.o.o.

11.  Kilborun, Phyllis. (1995) Children in risk:  A New Commitment. Monrovia, California: Marc.

12.  Killen, Kari. (2001) Izdani: zlostavljana djeca su odgovornost svih nas, Zagreb: Drštvo za psihološku pomoć.

13.  Longo, Igor. (2001) Roditeljstvo se može učiti: Zagreb: Alinea.

14.  Martin, G.L. (1987) Counseling for family violence and abuse. Waco, TX: Word Books.

15.  Mcdonald, P. (2000) Reaching Children in Need: What's being done – what you can do. Eastbourne, UK: Kingsway Publications.

16.  McGinnis Kathleen and James. (1990) Pareting for Peace and Justice: Ten Years Later. New York: Orbis Books.

17.  Pagelow, M. D., & Johnson, P. (1988) Abuse in the American family: The role of religion. In A.L. Horton & J.A. Williamson /Eds/ Abuse and religion: When praying isn't enough. Lexington, MA: Lexington Books.

18.  UNICEF. (1991) The World Declaration on the Survival, Protection and Development of Children.

Prepared by Ela Vilupek, MA